Non-Christians are like animals, and when it comes to mate selection, they are driven by the instincts and priorities of animals. The fact that Christians are not mere animals – wild and unintelligent – means that they should look to a higher standard for guidance in courtship and marriage.
Our focus is on the Christian man. He has received authoritative guidelines that define the kind of family he should establish. Once there is a blueprint or purpose, all the considerations come into their proper place. The Bible sets forth the characteristics of a wife that God approves. Most traits should be common to all Christians – for example, no believer should be dishonest, and so a woman who is dishonest cannot be a good wife – but certain traits are specifically emphasized.
The God-given blueprint or purpose for marriage determines what kind of woman can become a wife that God approves. Genesis 2:18 indicates that the wife is to be a “suitable helper” to the man. This carries significant implications for the kind of woman that one should marry. Any woman whose personal ambitions threaten the agenda that God and the husband set for the family is rejected. All feminists are excluded. Those who worship their own gender, and compel others to worship it, must be condemned.
Another purpose for marriage is that God is “seeking godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15). This does not mean that every marriage must produce children, but it is a general principle, and if there are children, they must be raised for faith and holiness. A good wife would contribute to such a program, and not hinder it.
When a number of such biblical precepts are taken into consideration, we conclude that an excellent wife should be reverent, obedient, and competent. These are interchangeable with spiritual, submissive, and capable.
The word reverent seems broad, but we have a specific meaning in mind. First, it indicates a true spirituality, which means that the woman must be a Christian. This is difficult, because most people in churches are not true Christians, and even those who are truly converted are usually at such a low level of faith, knowledge, and holiness that the spiritual life in them is hardly detectable. The first step to learning how to find a mate is to go study theology. If a man cannot make basic distinctions between true and false faith, he cannot begin to select a woman to be his wife.
Paul writes, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). The Christian and the non-Christian submit to two antithetical authorities, and to the extent that they are consistent with their worldviews, conflicts will arise in the relationship.
However, if both the man and the woman have God’s word, the Bible, as their first and final authority, then they would appeal to it to resolve any dispute. Although the husband is the head of the wife, he is not God over the wife, and they both submit to a higher authority, which is the word of God. This authority imposes order and unity in the family, with the husband as the leader as he governs according to God’s precepts. Conflicts can be resolved, and resolved in a way that promotes wisdom and virtue. Disagreements are temporary and peripheral.
This is not the case if one is a Christian and the other is a non-Christian. There is no neutral place – a person either has faith in Jesus Christ and worships him as Lord, or he does not. James writes, “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God” (James 4:4). You are either God’s friend, or his enemy. If you claim to have no opinion, you are his enemy. Jesus remarks, “He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me scatters” (Matthew 12:30). A person who does not obey Christ is also one who defies him, and a person who does not love Christ is also one who hates him. It is disastrous for two people who disagree on this fundamental level to unite in the most sacred of all human relationships.
Romans 8:7 states, “The sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.” On the other hand, a mind that has been made spiritual by regeneration and that is growing in sanctification can obey God’s laws. As verse 5 explains, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.” A spiritual person is one whose mind is “set on what the Spirit desires” as revealed in God’s word. Therefore, when we say that a woman must be spiritual, we mean that she must be a good Christian, or one whose thoughts and actions are in conformity with the Bible.
A woman who seeks a husband must also apply the same standard. As Paul writes, “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39). A Christian woman must marry only a Christian man.
God allows the Christian man to marry anyone he wishes as long as the woman is a Christian. In practice, this must exclude backslidden Christians, and those who claim to be Christians but do not exhibit the corresponding doctrine and conduct, because these people might not be Christians at all. Of course, if a person returns to the Lord, and shows true signs of faith, then she becomes a candidate for marriage. Although we must not go beyond the Bible in defining a proper marriage candidate, we must also ensure that the Bible’s full meaning is enforced. Thus we must remove any excuse to marry those who claim to be Christians but who might not be Christians at all.
Our second characteristic is obedience. An excellent woman is one who obeys God’s word, and she is also one who obeys legitimate authorities according to God’s word. Here the emphasis is on the woman’s relationship with her husband.
After the fall of man, God says to the woman, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). A popular interpretation is that this means the woman would experience sexual desire for her husband, or at least a desire for his companionship, but this is unlikely because it appears unrelated to the last clause of the sentence. Reflecting this view, the Living Bible says, “You shall welcome your husband’s affections, and he shall be your master.”
Another interpretation understands the verse to say, “Your desire will be to dominate your husband, but he will rule over you.” Judging from a similar expression in Genesis 4:7, this is the better position. Matthew Poole writes:
Thy desires shall be referred or submitted to thy husband’s will and pleasure to grant or deny them, as he sees fit…And this punishment was…very grievous to her, because women’s affections use to be vehement, and it is irksome to them to have them restrained or denied. Seeing, for want of thy husband’s rule and conduct, thou wast seduced by the serpent, and didst abuse that power I gave thee together with thy husband to draw him to sin, thou shalt now be brought down to a lower degree, for he shall rule thee; not with that sweet and gentle hand which he formerly used, as a guide and counsellor only, but by a higher and harder hand, as a lord and governor, to whom I have now given a greater power and authority over thee than he had before, (which through thy pride and corruption will be far more uneasy unto thee than his former empire was,) and who will usurp a further power than I have given him, and will, by my permission, for thy punishment, rule thee many times with rigour, tyranny, and cruelty, which thou wilt groan under, but shalt not be able to deliver thyself from it.[1]
Some people assert that before the Fall, man and woman had equal authority in the marriage relationship, and it was only after the woman had sinned that the man was made to rule over her. Poole’s comments might be construed to support this position, since he fails to stress the authority that man had over woman even before the Fall, although he includes a weak acknowledgment of it.
He admits that the man ruled before the Fall, but with a “sweet and gentle hand.” Now God gives him “greater power and authority…than he had before,” implying that he had power over the woman even at the beginning. In any case, it is doubtful that Adam was ever “a guide and counsellor only” to the woman. The Bible indicates that he was a lot more than this.
Some people wish to believe that the subordination of the woman is only a result of sin, and this has been entirely negated after the death and resurrection of Christ. However, Paul teaches that the authority of the husband over his wife is not only a result of sin, but it is a creation ordinance. By the nature and order of the creation of man and woman, the husband has authority over the wife: “For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man” (1 Corinthians 11:8-9); “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve” (1 Timothy 2:11-13). Any ordinance of God instituted due to the very nature of creation is still in effect.
There are those who take Genesis 3:16 as a predictive declaration that the marriage relationship would become one in which the man and woman each seeks to dominate, to sinfully seize control. It is sometimes accompanied by the assumption that neither one should dominate, but this contradicts what the Bible teaches. One might say that although the verse does not deny the husband’s authority, it predicts the tyrannical use of authority; that is, while the woman seeks domination, the man abuses his place in the home. There is no basis for this interpretation. Although some men abuse their authority, this verse does not refer to this.
One important aspect of feminism, including feminist theology, is to subvert the correct structure of the marriage relationship. God has ordained the man as the head of the home, but sin has produced in the woman an urge to usurp the husband’s authority, to be liberated from his rule, that is, to defy God’s arrangement. However, the joy and hope of both men and women rest in knowing and obeying God’s commands, and not in fighting against them.
The leadership of man in the family has been a controversial issue. The cause for the heated debate is not because the Bible is unclear, but it is due to the ideological climate of the day, the women’s tendency to resent authority, and the men’s abuse of their authority. But these reasons cannot negate God’s commands.
God’s word regulates the husband’s power in the home, and it directs how he must treat his wife: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Husbands are to love the wives in the same way that Christ loves his church – he died to save her. Thus the Bible commands men to love their wives enough to die for them. Of course, this would include ordinary expressions of sacrificial love in their everyday lives. To the extent that a man lacks this love for his wife, he is less than a real man. Our estimation of a man should never rise higher than his love for God, the Bible, and his wife.
So when we insist on the wife’s submission, we do not excuse the husband of his faults. Although we acknowledge the husband’s responsibility and that there are actual instances of abuse, the woman’s obligation to submit under God-ordained authority remains unchanged. Sin is what drives women’s rejection of the Bible’s family structure. Thus God’s decree proves true: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” As Keil & Delitzsch says, this is a desire “bordering upon disease.”[2]
Then, Peter writes, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear” (1 Peter 3:1-6).
Peter teaches that wives must submit not only to Christian husbands, but they must submit even if the husbands are non-Christians. Of course, the Bible commands that a Christian woman may marry only a Christian man (1 Corinthians 7:39), and so he is referring to women who became Christians after they had married.
He introduces submission as he states that the men may be “won over without words.” This does not mean that it is possible to convert a person to Jesus Christ without telling him the gospel message. It is popular to assume that “action speaks louder than words,” but this is false and absurd. These husbands have already heard the gospel, so that Peter says, “If any of them do not believe the word.” He is telling the wives that God may still use their “purity and reverence” to impress and convert their husbands, so that they would come to believe what they heard.
Submission, purity, and reverence are the things that make a woman truly beautiful. Contrary to the world’s standard, the Christian faith emphasizes inner beauty, so that a woman’s worth is not defined or limited by her appearance. A woman who is outwardly attractive might be wicked and grotesque on the inside. Since only the Christian faith has the power to transform the inner person, it follows that no non-Christian woman is truly beautiful.
Even the most attractive non-Christian woman possesses only a beauty that is superficial and fleeting, but “unfading beauty” belongs to the Christian woman who has a “gentle and quiet spirit.” As Proverbs 21:9 and 19 say, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife…Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” Referring to Delilah, the Bible says, “With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death” (Judges 16:16). In another place, it says, “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand” (Proverbs 27:15-16; also 19:13). Drip…Drip…Drip!
A “gentle and quiet spirit” will keep the husbands from jumping out the window, and it is also “of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4). A woman can be like a Venus in the eyes of men, but more like a Medusa in the sight of God. Part of Christian growth involves learning to see people and things as God sees them: “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter” (Isaiah 5:20).
The Christian’s physical appearance does not necessarily deteriorate, because God is able to renew our bodies through faith. Although physical beauty is relatively unimportant, and possesses no spiritual value, it is nevertheless a blessing from God. The aged Sarah was so beautiful that she was coveted by kings. And when Job was restored, God gave him daughters who were physically attractive: “The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters. The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers” (Job 42:12-15).
Nevertheless, even if natural beauty fades, the Christian’s inner beauty can develop and increase throughout life, and continues after death. Paul says, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16). A woman who has no inner beauty will have nothing in the end. And a person who cannot see beyond his physical health and figure lacks wisdom: “For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come” (1 Timothy 4:8).
Peter continues, “For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear” (1 Peter 3:5-6). How did they make themselves beautiful? “They were submissive to their own husbands.” Physical beauty is not enough – Sarah made herself beautiful because she “obeyed Abraham and called him her master.” Even though she was “a very beautiful woman” (Genesis 12:14) in terms of appearance, she became an example because she attained inner beauty through submission.
Just as Christians become the children of Abraham through faith in Christ (Galatians 3:7), women should pattern themselves after Sarah in her obedience. Peter does not ignore the existence of abusive husbands, but he says, “You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear” (v. 6). The men’s ungodly conduct does not excuse the wives from obeying God’s commands. He commands women to “do what is right and do not give way to fear” as they submit to their husbands, so that “if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (v. 1-2).
Next, Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything…However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33).
The text is explicit and needs no explanation if not for the many attempts by Christian scholars to overturn it. For example, one commentator writes: “To submit meant to yield one’s own rights. If the relationship called for it, as in the military, the term could connote obedience, but that meaning is not called for here. In fact, the word ‘obey’ does not appear in Scripture with respect to wives, though it does with respect to children (6:1) and slaves (6:5).”[3]
He defines submission as “to yield one’s own rights,” but this is meaningless, because he does not specify these rights or explain why the surrender of these rights does not lead to obedience. A more popular notion of submission refers to humility and respect in the wife’s attitude, and this is contrasted with obedience, which refers to conformity in behavior to the husband’s wishes. Under the second definition, the wife may disobey her husband at every point and still remain in full submission, simply because she possesses a respectful attitude.
Verse 21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” There is the claim that this means the verses that follow assert a doctrine of mutual submission. Then, the claim is that verse 22 therefore cannot be telling the wives to obey their husbands, because mutual submission among Christians does not necessarily imply mutual obedience, but only a respectful attitude.
This interpretation misses the point of the passage, and in fact, it results in blasphemy against Jesus Christ. Even if we agree that verse 21 defines the interpretation of 5:22-6:9, the content of the passage makes it clear that mutual submission does not mean the same thing in every relationship. The meaning and the basis of mutual submission between husbands and wives, parents and children, and masters and slaves are different.
Paul says that the wives should obey their husbands because “the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” (v. 23). This is not true in any other human relationship – whether between Christians, parents and children, or masters and slaves. If the wives should submit to their husbands in the same sense that the church submits to Christ, then it is impossible that it is referring to the surrender of one’s rights or a respectful attitude. The church is to render absolute obedience to Christ in both thought and action; therefore, the meaning of submission in marriage must mean that the wives must be both respectful in attitude and obedient in behavior.
Since the two relationships are analogous, if the interpretation is that the submission of the wives does not mean obedience, then it also means that the church has no obligation to obey Christ. This is blasphemy. Those who teach this weak view of submission think that they champion the cause of women, but instead, they have made a declaration of rebellion against Jesus Christ on behalf of the whole church. If they refuse to recant, then they declare themselves to be non-Christians.
The husband’s part in marriage is defined, not as one of obedience, but sacrificial love: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (v. 25). The foolish assumption that “mutual submission” means the same thing for everyone in every relationship ignores all these details in the text. Paul is not saying that wives should respect their husbands, but that there is no need to obey them, while only the children and slaves should obey. Rather, he is saying that wives must obey their husbands, children their parents, and slaves their masters.
Even more outrageous is the interpreter’s claim, “The word ‘obey’ does not appear in Scripture with respect to wives, though it does with respect to children (6:1) and slaves (6:5).”
First, although the word translated “submit” (hypotass?) in verse 22 is different from the word translated “obey” (hypakou?) in 6:1 and 6:5, it still carries the meaning of obedience. For example, the same word hypotass? is used in Luke 2:51, and it refers to obedience: “Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.” But hypakou? is used in Ephesians 6:1, where it says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Does the commentator mean to suggest that Jesus merely submitted to his parents in his attitude, but that he disobeyed them? If so, did Jesus obey the commandment, “Honor your father and mother,” cited as the basis for obedience to parents in Ephesians 6:2? If the commentator means that Jesus disobeyed the commandment, and that Jesus was a sinner, then he could not have made atonement. Therefore, in his zeal to assert his unbiblical position on women, the scholar has in principle blasphemed Jesus Christ, rejected the atonement, and forfeited his own salvation.
Again, he says, “The word ‘obey’ does not appear in Scripture with respect to wives.” In other words, the claim is that the Bible uses only hypotass? (submit) when it refers to wives, and never hypakou? (obey). However, the Bible indeed uses hypakou? when it refers to Sarah: “For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed [hypakou?] Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear” (1 Peter 3:5-6).
Sarah was the wife of Abraham, and she obeyed (hypakou?) her husband, Then, Christian wives are told to emulate her, and specifically her obedience to Abraham. It follows that hypakou? is applied to all Christian wives. Therefore, whether the Bible uses hypakou? or hypotass?, it insists that wives must respect and obey their husbands. Any interpreter who suggests something less is incompetent or dishonest, or both.
If wives complain that this is too difficult, they should remember that the husbands’ duty is much more challenging: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). The command is not for a husband to merely show affection, but to love his wife more than his own life, and to cherish her more than his own welfare.
Just as many men are difficult to obey because they are incompetent and overbearing, many women are difficult to love because they are rebellious and obnoxious. The situation is difficult for both men and women, not because of God’s command, but because of sin. If God had not produced divine love in our hearts, it would indeed be impossible to love as Christ loves. It is best for both the husband and the wife to follow God’s word, since it is certainly easier to obey a loving husband, and to love an obedient wife. Nevertheless, each one is accountable to God regardless of what the other does (1 Peter 3:1-7). A husband’s lack of affection does not excuse the wife’s lack of obedience. On the other hand, it is possible for a husband’s affection to extinguish the wife’s rebellion, and for a wife’s submission to stimulate the husband’s affection.
Galatians 3:28 is often used to argue against “inequality” or gender distinctions: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” The argument is that since there is “neither male nor female” in Christ, then there should be no distinction in role or difference in authority in the marriage relationship. However, the argument backfires.
First, if Paul intends to abolish such distinctions in this verse, then it would be foolish for him to say other things that reinforce these distinctions: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord,” and “Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ” (Ephesians 5:22, 6:5). Thus the argument must deny the inspiration, inerrancy, and consistency of the Bible.
Second, if Paul intends to abolish gender distinctions in this verse, then it would be impossible for him to oppose homosexual relationships and marriages, at least among Christians, or those who are in Christ. In fact, there could be no distinction between heterosexuality and homosexuality, because there would be no such thing as sexuality. However, Paul denounces homosexuality, and even condemns homosexuals to hell (Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10). Thus the argument must again deny the inspiration, inerrancy, and consistency of the Bible; moreover, it excuses all kinds of sexual perversions.
Therefore, the argument is not a defense for equality in Christ, but it is an attack on the foundation of the Christian faith, and an excuse for rebellion and transgression. Once the implication is clear, anyone who refuses to withdraw the argument must be a false teacher, or even a non-Christian.
Galatians 3:28 does not abolish all gender distinctions, and certainly not those that the Bible explicitly asserts. Rather, the context shows that it refers to each person’s equal access to justification in Christ through faith: “You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise” (Galatians 3:26-29).
Regardless of race, gender, and social status, every person has equal access to salvation through faith in Jesus Christ, that is, every person who has been chosen by God (Romans 11:7). And regardless of race, gender, and social status, every person who has attained salvation through faith has the same standing in Christ – one is not more justified or accepted than another. Galatians 3:28 carries no reference to gender equality in any other setting.
The Bible never teaches that women are inferior as human beings. In fact, we know that men and women are equal as human beings because it teaches that both were made in God’s image: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Nevertheless, God has ordained that women must submit to their husbands in the marriage relationship. They are not inferior in their being, but they are subordinate in their authority.
As Elizabeth Handford writes, “If you are intellectually honest, you have to admit that it is impossible to find a single loophole, a single exception, an ‘if’ or ‘unless.’ The Scriptures say, without qualification, to the open-minded reader, that a woman ought to obey her husband.”[4] A wife must obey her husband, Paul says, “so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:5). A rebellious woman dishonors God and brings shame to his people.
A Christian woman should be reverent, obedient, and also competent. It is possible that a wife might be spiritual and submissive, but not very capable. This deficiency would hinder her from fulfilling her role as a helper to her husband.
Proverbs 31:10-31 consists of a poem, constructed acrostically using the twenty-two letters of the Hebrew alphabet, in which the writer extols the virtues of a “fully-capable”[5] wife:
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
The husband has given the woman great latitude in making decisions. His “full confidence” in her is based not only on her pure motives, but also on her capability as a helper in the household. She is a helper, but the text lists an astounding array of virtues and abilities unmatched by many men, so that one commentator writes, “This lady’s standard is not implied to be within the reach of all, for it presupposes unusual gifts and material resources.”[6]
However, the statement is misleading, because it argues in a circle. It is as if he says, “Such a woman is unusual because such a woman is unusual.” He assumes that if most women cannot measure up to this standard, this means that this standard is not meant for most women. This makes no sense. No one can measure up to God’s law, but this does not mean that God’s law is meant for no one. Rather, it means that God’s law is meant for everyone, and everyone is condemned by it. Likewise, the natural conclusion is that if most women cannot measure up to this standard, this means that most women cannot be considered “a wife of noble character” (v. 10).
Indeed, verse 10 suggests that such a woman is rare: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” The passage does not say that a man must only marry such a woman. Rather, it admits that such a woman is rare, but she is the ideal and the implication is that a man should find a woman who is as close as possible to someone like this.
Nevertheless, it is true that a wife’s responsibility and potential would vary according to the “materials resources” involved. Most women would not have the opportunity to manage mansions, farms, servants, and real estate. Still, the principle remains the same – the wife should be a capable helper to the husband. The point is that this is the kind of wife that the man should seek.
This woman is characterized by diligence: “She…works with eager hands…She gets up while it is still dark…She sets about her work vigorously…and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers…She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” (v. 13, 15, 17-19, 27). But she is diligent in a specific kind of work – “she watches over the affairs of her household.” Many women are diligent, but they are working hard only to pursue their personal ambitions, and not to benefit her husband or household. Since both the man and the woman spend much of their time in advancing their respective careers, no one watches over the affairs of the household. A woman of “noble character” is diligent because of love for her husband and household.
This does not necessarily mean that the woman cannot have a career, but the emphasis is on her motive and agenda. Regardless of whether she pursues a career, are her priorities structured around the husband and the family, or herself? Martha Peace writes:
Put him first over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies’ Bible studies, etc.…Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary…Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are offer to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with his projects…Consider his work (job, goals, hobbies, work for the Lord) as more important than your own…Think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording telephone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget…Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.[7]
She does not assume that the wife has no career, but she says, “Put him first over your job…Consider his work as more important than your own.”
Then, this woman is characterized by keen foresight, “When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet…She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come” (v. 21, 25). Instead of fretting about future contingencies, she can “laugh at the days to come.” Her foresight reaches beyond the home: “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard…She sees that her trading is profitable” (v. 16, 18). She has excellent business sense, and brings income into the household.
She possesses another important quality: “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue” (v. 26). She is able to teach the children, and carry fruitful conversations with her husband. As Keil & Delitzsch observes, “Such graceful instruction she communicates now to this and now to that member of her household, for nothing that goes on in her house escapes her observation.”[8] And Jay Adams writes, “Indeed, she is well versed in biblical teaching and can speak wisely to others, including her children. She is not gruff, sarcastic, short-tempered or careless in speech.”[9]
My work is in Christian doctrine and ministry, and I enjoy conversations with my wife on God, the Bible, and the miraculous manifestations of the Spirit. The spiritual and intellectual demands of these conversations, including faith in God’s powerful operations, and an uncommon precision in reasoning and expression, are such that most people would find difficult, if not intolerable. The fact that she could rise to the challenge and make her own contributions brings me tremendous delight, and makes her a truly fitting companion.
A woman should have the intellectual capability and knowledge to discuss the husband’s work, even if only on an elementary level. For example, if her husband is an engineer, she should learn something about the subject, enough to engage in meaningful conversations with him about it. Marriage is a special and unique covenant – it is unbiblical and contradictory if the wife is not the husband’s best friend. She should be his closest companion and confidant, so that he needs no outsiders to discuss his most intimate thoughts and plans. Likewise, the husband should take an interest in the wife’s work and thoughts. In any case, all Christians should be able to talk about God, if nothing else (Deuteronomy 11:18-21; Joshua 1:8; Malachi 3:16-18).
The passage concludes, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (v. 30). The fear of the Lord is the foundation for all her virtues and abilities. Likewise, reverence is the foundation for a woman’s obedience and competence. Just as an unspiritual man is worthless, an irreverent woman is good for nothing. But when a woman’s works flow from her love for God, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (v. 11-12). “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting” (v. 30), but the “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4).
When it comes to reverence, the woman should exhibit signs of regeneration. There should be a hunger for the word of God. She should demonstrate a disposition toward faith and holiness, and a willingness to change her thinking and lifestyle to conform to the Bible’s teachings. Her behavior under pressure could expose a false or temporary faith: “The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away” (Matthew 13:20-21). At the minimum, a woman must resemble the biblical description of a Christian before she is considered a candidate for marriage.
As for obedience, it is often difficult to ascertain if a woman will submit to her husband. However, one may observe if she obeys the existing authority figures, such as the government (Romans 13:1-5), parents (Ephesians 6:1-3), pastor (Hebrews 13:17), and employer (1 Peter 2:18-19). Does she follow their instructions? What is her attitude toward rules and restrictions? If it seems that she refuses to obey various forms of authority, then it is probable that she might also refuse to obey her husband after she marries.
Competence is more easily assessed. One should observe whether the woman is organized, punctual, and knowledgeable, and whether she accomplishes her tasks with excellence. She should possess basic communication skills, sufficient to convey her thoughts in a coherent manner. Abilities in household administration, accounting, sewing, and cooking are also desirable. The man should not be overly picky, but look for general tendencies.
Although we must learn the Christian idea of an excellent wife, and it is helpful to list definite items to consider, the Bible also explains that such superior individuals are rare because of sin. Only those who have been saved by Jesus Christ can even approach the Bible’s lofty standard. Nevertheless, since we realize that even Christians still strive for perfection, the man must allow for certain deficiencies in the woman, just as he asks for her love and support despite the many deficiencies in him. Moreover, it is possible for a Christian to improve, so there is no reason to wait until one finds a woman who has no flaws, or to delude oneself that such a woman exists.
We have not addressed issues such as romantic love and personal preferences. This is not to diminish their importance, but since our purpose has been to consider the objective characteristics of an excellent woman, we have ignored the subjective aspects of a relationship. A man should surely take the subjective into account when he considers marriage.
The Bible says that a good wife is hard to find: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10). She is reverent, obedient, and competent – she worships God as ruler over all; she obeys her husband as head of the home; she fulfills her role as helper to her husband. However, similar to most men, most women are also irreverent, disobedient, and incompetent, so that if one can find a woman who even remotely resembles the Bible’s description, he should know that he is indeed favored by the Lord.
[1] Matthew Poole’s Commentary on the Holy Bible, Vol. 1; Hendrickson Publishers, p. 11.
[2] C. F. Keil and F. Delitzsch, Commentary on the Old Testament, Vol. 1; Peabody, Massachusetts: Hendrickson Publishers, Inc., 2001; p. 64.
[3] The NIV Study Bible, 10th Anniversary Edition; Grand Rapids, Michigan: The Zondervan Corporation, 1995; Notes on Ephesians 5:22.
[4] Elizabeth Rice Handford, Me? Obey Him?; Murfreesboro, Tennessee: Sword of the Lord Publishers, 1994; p. 31.
[5] Jay E. Adams, The Christian Counselor’s Commentary: Proverbs; Woodruff, South Carolina: Timeless Texts, 1997; p. 228.
[6] Derek Kidner, Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries: Proverbs; Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1964; p. 184.
[7] Martha Peace, The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective; Bemidji, Minnesota: Focus Publishing Incorporated, 1999; p. 55-56.
[8] Keil and Delitzsch, Vol. 6; p. 488.
[9] Adams, p. 230.