Commentary on First Peter (105)

If Sarah is the model for Christian wives, Jesus Christ himself is the model for Christian husbands, in the way that he sacrificed for the church and cares for her (Ephesians 5:25-33). Earlier we mentioned that the command for wives to "submit" to their husbands cannot mean that they should simply "yield their rights." This is because in such a context, in which they are told to obey their husbands in everything, they have no rights to yield in the first place. It is not as if wives can have their own way whenever they wish, only that they should surrender to their husbands instead. By God's command, they have no such authority, so that there are no such rights for them to surrender. Rather, the command for them to submit refers to humble attitude and obedient behavior.

But when we turn to the husbands, they do possess rights that they may either exercise or surrender. From Ephesians 5, we understand that husbands must love their wives as Christ loves the church, and we deduce from the passage that this love translates into two broad guiding principles – namely, following Christ's example, it should be spiritual in focus (v. 26-27) and sacrificial in practice (v. 25).

Just as the wife's attitude toward the husband is characterized by submission and obedience, the attitude of the husband toward his wife is characterized by sacrifice. This means that, as far as it is biblical and possible, and as far as it advances God's program in the home, he should constantly yield his rights for the benefit, comfort, and security of his wife.

This applies to all areas of life, from the mundane items to critical situations. Sometimes he might have to offer her his coat and endure the cold himself. When funds are limited, he will have to forgo his own gratification so that his wife may purchase what she needs and wants. He might have to be "the bad guy" to protect her from a controlling mother-in-law. These may seem like insignificant things, but they are what daily life consists of.

Then, there are the emergency situations. The husband must be willing to sacrifice his life for his wife without hesitation. Now, of course the devoted wife would also sacrifice herself for her husband. And here is where his authority could prove useful – he must order her to save herself, and she must obey. This might sound too dramatic, but it is in fact unrealistic to suppose such a situation will never arise. Moreover, if the biblical teaching is that the husband must love his wife in the same way that Christ loves the church in his sacrifice, then until a husband considers this point, he has yet to make the kind of commitment to his wife that is required by a biblical conception of marriage.

However, this does not mean that the husbands should always allow their wives to have their way. When it comes to matters of personal comfort and security, the husbands may sacrifice his rights for their wives, but spiritual concerns must take priority, so that if the wives are disobedient, then for the sake of their sanctification, the husbands must stand firm and teach their wives biblical submission. The trouble is that many husbands are selfish when they should yield their rights to the wives in love, and they are lenient when they should remain firm against the wives' sinful tendencies. In demonstrating sacrificial love, the husbands should never hand over the headship of the family to the wives.

Ephesians 5 does not only teach that the husbands should be sacrificial in their love, but that their love should also be spiritual in focus, just as Christ purifies his church through the word of God. So when it comes to the major decisions in the home, and especially those that may affect the spiritual condition of its members, the husband must take the lead. Here is one area in which the husbands must assume leadership and wield authority without compromise.

A husband must exercise constant authority and oversight concerning the general direction that the family takes. As the head of the home, he could consult with his wife and other family members, but the final decision and responsibility rest with him. By now it should become evident that although the husband's authority in the home is second only to the Lord, there is little room for self-serving decisions. He is to use this authority to serve, protect, and direct his wife and family, often to his own hurt, and he must give an account for his decisions. Therefore, let every man exercise his authority with soberness and godly fear. And in light of this, women should not dare complain that they must obey their husbands.